Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
