I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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