My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
