whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
