I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Your penis caused this!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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