The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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