Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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