I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
