I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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