Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
