So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
