i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you