I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.