So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
