Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
