Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
