Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
