Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
