i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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