You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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