if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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