I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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