and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
