***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The Olympian is in my bed
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
