K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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