I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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