I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
