i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
