I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
