I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
