i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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