I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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