u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
