I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
please come you make the beer taste better
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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