"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
