Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We need a shit load of segways right now
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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