True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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