you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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