Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
