So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
