guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Two words: blizzard sex
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
