I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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