Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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