I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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