My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
