Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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