Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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