this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
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Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
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The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
We are all done wearing pants today
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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