This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
