No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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