Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
