I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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