Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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