from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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