2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
