Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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