The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
