I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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